i had a blog once. i gave up on it within two months. i’m lazy like that. this past thursday, in a moment of inspiration, i wrote an e-mail to a few friends (actually, you are probably the only people reading this right now…) when i was at work about the recently announced grammy nominations. which then inspired me to rejoin the virtual community that we all know and love: the BLOGOSPHERE. (i am tragically 21st century.)
so here’s the e-mail, and the beginning of my blog attempt #2.
hello friends,
PREFACE: you may not agree with some of the opinions expressed below. you may also not give a shit about the grammys or mainstream music. however, neither agreeing nor caring are required, or even expected. i promise. (in fact, i’m not entirely sure i agree with myself in some of these cases. and i certainly don’t care about the grammys. i really just like talking shit.) so enjoy.
Make it Rain, by Fat Joe and Lil Wayne (Best Rap performance by a duo or group): by nominating this song, the committee is embracing not only fat joe and lil wayne, but the greater strip club world at large, particularly the cultural sensation known as “making it rain”. skeezy men, of all ages and races, rejoice. (for more information, see: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pacman_Jones)
Party Like a Rockstar, by Shop Boyz (Best Rap performance by a duo or group): proving that you need no skills in hook-making nor rhyming to sell a shit ton of records. all you need is a catch phrase that makes white kids feel cool while not feeling threatened by the big scary black men. (”hey, rockstars are white and scrawny TOO!”)
Dance Tonight, by Paul McCartney (Best male pop vocal/album): an example of the phenomenon whereby once an artist reaches a certain kind of iconic status, they could take a big crap (it wouldn’t even have to be the biggest crap, a la bono on south park) or bang a bunch of pans together, and this grammy organization, whatever it is, would start creaming its collective pants. immediately.
Show Me What You Got, by Jay-Z (best rap solo performance): (see Paul McCartney)
Daydreamin’ by Lupe Fiasco and Jill Scott (best urban/alternative performance): WHOA. a deep cut from an actually good hip-hop album featuring a female vocalist who is criminally overlooked, most likely because she’s a little….rotund? you just blew my mind, sirs and madams of the academy…or something…
Makes Me Wonder, by Marroon 5 (best pop performance by a duo or group): This song makes me want to grab adam levine by the leg and hammer throw (that’s the one where you spin around and then let the thing fly through the air, right?) him off a building. him and his puppy dog yet i’m-gonna-loooooove-you-babe-even-though-you-make-me-want-to-kill-myself-cause-i’m-sexy-like-that eyes can either decide to write a good hook or just shut the fuck up.
Neon Bible, by Arcade Fire (Best Alternative Album): well, looks like you missed the boat on this one. the album before this was the good one. still, i appreciate the making up for past negligence.
Before He Cheats, by Carrie Underwood (best femal country vocal performance): you know, i actually kind of like this song. sort of the country version of “since u been gone”. (who doesn’t love that song? really.) then again, girl power was like SO Spice Girls circa 1997.
Foo Fighters (lots of things): they are the rock band that has had the staying power and fan base that warrant all these nominations? i have nothing against the foo fighters. really. they’re just so…typical? i don’t know. i can’t describe it. i just don’t get it. lingering homage to nirvana?
Amy Winehouse (also lots of things): i liked her shtick. for about 5 seconds. now the song “rehab” just makes her seem a little sad and pathetic. “and my daddy thinks i’m fine”????? maybe you shouldn’t be listening to your father…on the other hand, drugs and alcohol are cool. therefore, amy winehouse is cool. rehab is for pussies.
Umbrella, by Rihanna ft. Jay-Z (song of the year): the reason this song became so unbelievably popular? “-ella, -ella, -ella, eh, eh, eh”. kind of grating, but at the same time, so. fucking. catchy. long live rihanna. seriously.
oh, and shout out to the white stripes. and justin timberlake. that’s my shit.
happy almost friday, everyone.
p.s. ALL of the Best New Artist nominees are chicks (well, including paramore, and let’s be honest, no one knows anyone in that band besides the chick lead singer). and people say music is a boys’ club. holla.
