Hipsters crack me up. Absolutely crack me up. The clothes (apparently, male hipsters don’t feel comfortable unless their balls are starved for circulation), the ironic detachment (“we are so witty and don’t even have to try”), the musical elitism (“pitchfork is my bible.” uuuuugh.)…but what cracks me up even more is all the non-hipster discourse ABOUT hipsters. a lot of people have really violent reactions to the mere mention of hipsters. oh lord, they make some people SO MAD. and this reaction isn’t even to anything in particular, it’s the simple existence of hipsters that really PISSES PEOPLE OFF. i mean, i see the point. time out magazine did a great cover story a few months ago about how hipsters are killing cool in new york. on the flip side of that, talking about a group of people “killing cool” is one of the most self-important and pretentious statements regarding the social landscape i can think of.

anyway, this hipster backlash has now worked its way into music, with Armor for Sleep’s song, ever-so-creatively titled “Williamsburg”. the song is essentially an anti-ode to hipsters. a scathing hate letter to the subculture of fedoras and tight pants and sharp reparte. below you will find the lyrics to this song, along with my own commentary interspersed in there in parenthetical statements.

Hold your own jacket please
I’m not in the mood (hipsters are too cool to be nice)
Millions of trains under the ground
This city was the blueprint for hell (now, i can’t tell if they are saying that they actually think hell was BASED ON one of the greatest cities in the world all because of a few stupid brooklynites, or that these hipsters, despite the fact that they cling to their williamsburg address like their life depended on it, really actually hate this place. or they say they hate it to keep up their ironic detachment.)

Passed out, sleeping at your party
Dream of leaving in the morning
You will all die in Williamsburg
Too hip to even clean your nose out (huh???)
Your grave is pulling at your pants now
You will all die in Williamsburg (can you say anger problem?)

Bored again
Watching the rats
Eat all your food
At least you’ll be used to
The place you’ll be soon
This city was the blueprint for hell
(get it? cause hipsters live in hell and are going to hell! eternal damnation for all hipsters!!!!)

Passed out, sleeping at your party
Dream of leaving in the morning
You will all die in Williamsburg
Too hip to even clean your nose out
Your grave is pulling at your pants now
You will all die in Williamsburg

Do you know how obvious you are?
You were born in New Hampshire but you say you’re from the O.C. (yea, these guys are from suburban new jersey, and they sound like they’re from the O.C. wahhhh wahhhh wahhhhhhhhhh.)
Brooklyn’s a death bed
For clones of the same kid
Stuck in the party
That was lame to begin with
Yeah, yeah lame to begin with (shit, if that’s not the hipster mentality, then i don’t know what is.)

At least you’ll be used to
The place you’ll be
This city was the blueprint for hell
Passed out, sleeping at your party
Dream of leaving in the morning
You will all die in Williamsburg
Too hip to even clean your nose out
Your grave is pulling at your pants now
You will all die in Williamsburg

You will all die
(yea yea yea, ok we GET IT.)

hey now, be nice. hipsters are people too, ya know. or are they? do hipsters even exist anymore?

ok, so one or more of the following things is going on in this song:
-these guys really really hate hipsters and wanted to vent their rage.
-they want to attract all of those people who have all that rage against hipsters.
-they tried to build a following in williamsburg, but they sound so fucking whiny and mainstream they got booed off stage and from that point on vowed NEVER TO GO BACK.
-it is actually an attempt to, by cutting down hipsters and tapping into their detachment and nihilism, to get them to embrace Armor for Sleep. (“they TOTALLY get us!”)

oh, this is all way too post-modern(??) for me to bear. my head’s starting to hurt.

i will leave you with this: i’m not embarassed to say that, despite everything i’ve said, i do kind of dig this song. hey, at least it’s got some fucking energy.