Tests can be even worse. Sometimes it feels like you’re being tested over and over and over again. That people are analyzing you, judging you, trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with you. Or me. I kind of feel like that right now. “Who is this Stephanie girl, and where is all of this coming from?” To be honest, I really don’t know. I just know that I write what I feel at the time. Some of it is fictious, some of it is/was/will/whatever actually happen to me. I can’t erase any of it. I just can’t. As for the “what is wrong with her?” question, well I can’t answer that either. No one seems to know. Time will tell I suppose. It may turn out that there is nothing, in fact, wrong with me. We’ll see.
I want to keep going normally, to keep moving towards what I was building before all of this happened, but there’s some fear around it. Of COURSE there’s some fear around it. And so much of what you see here recently comes out of that fear. And I don’t WANT to be afraid. But maybe that’s when the best, most honest art is made. Out of fear. Or anger. Or frustration. I’m not entirely sure about what I’ve created or what I’m creating. But all artists have fear about their work I guess. That it’s not worth anything, that it’s stupid and meaningless. But that’s impossible.
Oh dear, listen to me. I’m calling a blog “art”. But I suppose it is, in the loose sense of the word. And we are certainly a generation who use words loosely.
I’m dropping the “ME investigation”. It’s not worth it to get all twisted up about. Just something someone did for unknown reasons to…semi-known…consequences. And that whole letter I wrote was so much more a transference than anything else.
So life goes on, the writing goes on, and we’re all kind of better people for it, I like to think.
How did I come to this kind of clarity? Well, lunch with my grandma and a phone conversation with my dad. In times of crisis, it always ALWAYS helps to have your family around you. And for that reason I am truly blessed. They are my home and I would be lost without them.
