You misunderestimate me

Language is fascinating. One small, seemingly harmless sentence can change a person’s life, or even change the course of history. (Should calling Hillary Clinton “a monster” off the record have gotten that Obama adviser fired? Well, I don’t think so. But then again, I’ve called Hillary much worse.) The written word is even trickier. It eliminates inflection, emphasis, timing, tone…all things pretty necessary in conveying exactly what you want to communicate. I’ve recently come across several correspondences that illuminate this very idea.

There’s so much that’s difficult to communicate through writing. Wit is a tricky one. It can sound like condescension. Emotion is another. It can end up sounding either pathetic or absolutely incomprehensible. But writing also gives you the opportunity to weed out the superfluous thoughts and channel exactly the point you want to say….and what’s the point I want to say?…I dunno, I just think we could all benefit from a good dose of reality. You know, face-to-face interaction. Smiles and laughs and rainbows and shit.

Just a thought.

 

Roger Clemens = Colonel Jessup?

By now, pretty much all of us with any kind of mild interest in baseball or sports in general has heard more than we can stand about steroids in baseball, and particularly, the feud going on between Roger Clemens, Andy Pettitte (so nice! so humble! so sorry!), Brian McNamee, and the U.S. government, among countless other interested parties and hangers-on. It’s become such an unbelievable spectacle that there’s really only one thing any of us semi-intrigued yet semi-detached onlookers can do anymore: make jokes about it. The best I’ve heard/read so far was sent to my inbox this morning, which really broke up the slow-painful-death-through-boredom-and-monotony of a typical Thursday morning…or any other weekday morning for that matter.

It’s possible that, through the *MAGIC* of the internet, many of you have already seen this, but for those of you who haven’t, I hope you enjoy it just as much as I did.

Clemens: You want answers?

Congressman: I think I’m entitled to them.

Clemens: You want answers?

Congressman: I want the truth!

Clemens: You can’t handle the truth! Son, we live in a world that loves
baseball. And those balls have to be pitched by men with arms. Who’s gonna do
it? You? You, Congressman? I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly
fathom. You weep for steroids and you curse HGH. You have that luxury. You have
the luxury of not knowing what I know: that HGH, while illegal, sells tickets.
And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, sells
tickets…You don’t want the truth. Because deep down, in places you don’t talk
about at parties, you want me on that mound. You need me on that mound. We use
words like no-hitter, fastball, strikeout…we use these words as the backbone to a life spent playing a sport. You use ‘em as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and falls asleep to the Sportscenter clips I provide, and then questions the manner in which I provide them! I’d rather you
just said thank you and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a
bat and dig in. Either way, I don’t give a damn what you think you’re entitled
to!

Congressman: Did you order the HGH?

Clemens: (quietly) I did the job you sent me to do.

Congressman: Did you order the HGH?

Clemens: YOU’RE GODDAMN RIGHT I DID!!!

Hilarious. I only take exception to one thing in this passage; the fact that Tom Cruise’s drive to exhonerate two soldiers who fell victim to their circumstances in “A Few Good Men” (and pretty pretty eyes) are being conflated with a U.S. Congressman’s witchhunt to defame a baseball player who, until very recently, was destined for the Hall of Fame (well, the JURY’s still out on that one…heh. see what I did there?).

Then again, Tom Cruise is nutso, and Roger Clemens is, in all likelihood, very very guilty. And everyone needs a little humor in their lives.