This is not a test

Tests can be even worse. Sometimes it feels like you’re being tested over and over and over again. That people are analyzing you, judging you, trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with you. Or me. I kind of feel like that right now. “Who is this Stephanie girl, and where is all of this coming from?” To be honest, I really don’t know. I just know that I write what I feel at the time. Some of it is fictious, some of it is/was/will/whatever actually happen to me. I can’t erase any of it. I just can’t. As for the “what is wrong with her?” question, well I can’t answer that either. No one seems to know. Time will tell I suppose. It may turn out that there is nothing, in fact, wrong with me. We’ll see.

I want to keep going normally, to keep moving towards what I was building before all of this happened, but there’s some fear around it. Of COURSE there’s some fear around it. And so much of what you see here recently comes out of that fear. And I don’t WANT to be afraid. But maybe that’s when the best, most honest art is made. Out of fear. Or anger. Or frustration. I’m not entirely sure about what I’ve created or what I’m creating. But all artists have fear about their work I guess. That it’s not worth anything, that it’s stupid and meaningless. But that’s impossible.

Oh dear, listen to me. I’m calling a blog “art”. But I suppose it is, in the loose sense of the word. And we are certainly a generation who use words loosely.

I’m dropping the “ME investigation”. It’s not worth it to get all twisted up about. Just something someone did for unknown reasons to…semi-known…consequences. And that whole letter I wrote was so much more a transference than anything else.

So life goes on, the writing goes on, and we’re all kind of better people for it, I like to think.

How did I come to this kind of clarity? Well, lunch with my grandma and a phone conversation with my dad. In times of crisis, it always ALWAYS helps to have your family around you. And for that reason I am truly blessed. They are my home and I would be lost without them.

 

Sunrise, A New Day, A Fresh Start, yea yea yea

Games can be dangerous sometimes. We play them, thinking that no one is going to get hurt. How could anyone possibly get hurt? It’s just a game! But treating life like a game can bring a lot of damage. I know that firsthand. And trying to repair that damage can be pretty exhausting. But I suppose the conclusion should be drawn that what’s done is done and there’s really nothing we can do about it. And talking helps up to a point, but there comes a time where you just have to say, “enough.”

I’ve been told I need to stop writing. But I can’t stop writing. Maybe I’m a writer. Who knows. Some of the things I’ve written may be scary to people. I don’t know. But I’ve been writing to myself for so long now. I don’t want to keep it all to myself anymore. And IIII think it’s kinda cool. A little crazy? Yea. Duh. But as my good friend David and I like to say, “boys are stupid and girls are crazy.” In some respects, anyway. But I also think that we’re all pretty smart, and the world is totally crazy.

So I (might) be taking another hiatus until I actually finish getting my shit together and can write about something that people actually care about reading. (Though it seems I’ve gotten a bit more popular in recent days. Go figure.)

So for now, laterrrrr.

and p.s. it seems that there’s a whole new generation of hipsters: the anti-hipsters. think about it. (more on that later, most likely.)

 

Lesson Learned?

Be careful with your actions and words, because you never know how people are going to take it.

OOOOOoooorrrrr,

Don’t take everything so damn personally.

Again, talking to myself here, mainly.

 

Late night exaggerations are a bit silly, really.

Ok, so I spoke in a bit of hyperbole last night…it’s not like I’m REALLY having trouble feeding myself (although I am, admittedly, shit in the kitchen). There are so many shitty things going on in the world. Why should I be complaining about a bit of a rough economy and lowish pay when I’m living in and loving one of the most expensive cities in the world? I kind of PUT myself in this situation.

I guess the lesson here is that you can’t be winning every battle at the same time. And some people are losing a lot worse. a LOT worse. And believe me, I do think about those people. The point is that, in this world that we live in, those who have control of the money (or the sex…or both…) have the power. (and vice versa I suppose.) And dammit, we’ve been working hard, we WANT some of it. Despite what some may tell you, and despite what I struggle with, there’s no shame in wanting what you think you deserve. And part of that is money. Work is worth money. Ideas should be worth money. Because ideas are where EVERYTHING starts. I’ve got TONS of ideas, but am I going to make any money off of most of them? Probably not.

So what can I do? Go back to work, write and whine and crack jokes, and try as hard as I can to find something else to fulfill me. And I’m getting the impression that it’s not just one thing. If at this very moment, you are truly truly happy, look around at the people, places, things in your life. THAT is where your happiness comes from. For better or for worse. Do we want to change these things? Well I guess that’s up to us.

I suppose this is how it works.

Sorry for the preaching. This is just as much a pep talk to myself as it is a challenge to anyone who cares to read this.

 

Midnight Snack

Pardon the philosophical meanderings, but life can get pretty confusing sometimes. You think you’ve got yourself figured out, you think you’ve got the world figured out, and then gradually everything is turned upside down. Being a young 20-something is certainly not what it used to be.

So you hold onto the things you know. Your family. Your friends. Your goddamn computer. Your comfort foods. Etc, etc. And you hope that at some point the picture will become clearer and you can see what direction you’re headed in.

Or maybe that time never comes.

Maybe I just feel isolated being in the burbs.

Or maybe I just need to get laid. Yea. That’s probably it.